seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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