i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
