Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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