I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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