Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
