Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
