Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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