I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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