every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
