Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
