Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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