My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
