I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
