I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
