they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Come on in and take your pants off
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