my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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