cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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