I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
