i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
