I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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