Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
