All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
