Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I have aggressive nipples.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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