Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
