The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
