How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
