Acid is not a monday night drug
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
