you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
