You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
