The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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