Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
