I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
