i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
jump out the window naked night went bad
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