I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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