Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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