Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
