I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
