she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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