They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
