My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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