I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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