I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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