I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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