Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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