If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
