Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
God, I missed his penis.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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