gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
