Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
