I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
