there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
