I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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