You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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